"The Monkey Problem" Author: Zvezdo-vzlet Rating: gen Writen for the Winterfair Open Exchange. Summary: "Kareen needs Mark to get her some monkeys for a secret project". Translated from Russian ("Проблема обезьян") by Tel & Zvezdo-vzlet

Mark, as always, came to greet Kareen on the Escobar transfer station.

"Hello, darling! You look great. How was your trip?"

"It was fine, thanks." Her voice sounded a little distracted, and Mark went on the alert as she avoided eye conduct, her posture apparently relaxed.

"And? What's the situation with the contract?" he asked.

"As you expected, they agreed to our terms, since they didn't have any choice." She sounded entirely indifferent, her mental train of thought clearly miles away from the newly signed contract. Mark persisted. "What about Grandmother Naismith? Is she still doing fine?"

"Oh, yes," Kareen perked up a little. "She's very cheerful and full of energy. She told me to tell you hello."

"Good." Mark waited a few seconds for Kareen to continue, but she didn't and he couldn't stand the suspense anymore. "All right, that's it! I can see that something's going on - come on, out with it!"

"Yes, something's come up," Kareen said with a thoughtful look. "But wait until we get to the office, dear, it's a long conversation and I don't want to be interrupted." Mark knew her well enough to restrain his curiosity and not pry.

They finally reached the office. As the secretary brought coffee, they settled down in the comfortable guest chairs opposite each other.

"So?" Mark asked encouragingly. "Is something wrong with the contract?"

"No, no, everything's fine there."

"With Grandmother, then?"

"She's fine, it's just..."

"It's just what? Stop beating around the bush!"

Kareen gave him a peculiar look and abruptly changed the subject. "So tell me, Mark, do you still want to deprive Baron Bharaputra of his profitable clone brain transplant business?"

Mark was taken aback. "Are you kidding? You know that's my wildest dream. I'd spend everything I've got to take him down."

"We don't need that much," Kareen assured him. "Just a few million."

"What? What do you mean? And what does Grandmother Naismith have to do with it?"

"Well, you know, she likes to help people out, encourage young talent, and all that."

"I see..." Mark said. It has started to dawn on him where this was going. "What, she's taken some unacknowledged genius under her wing this time?" he asked sardonically.

"Exactly! He's unacknowledged, and he's a genius! And you're one to talk about misunderstood geniuses, remember Enrique?" Kareen's aggressive tone made Mark back down into an embarrassed silence. Kareen's eyes flashed angry lightning for a couple a seconds before she relented and started to explain, getting more and more excited. "His name's Justin Hurst, he's an engineer. He's extremely talented, and he works at the medical center in Silica, at the very lab your Grandma Naismith used to work at."

"And what has your brilliant engineer invented?"

"Are you mocking me again?" Kareen pouted.

"Okay, okay, I'll stop. Go on."

"He invented a device that can make brain backups!"

Mark, who'd thought himself ready for any eventuality, stared at her open-mouthed.

"Brain backups? What do you mean?"

"Just what I said. A way to take the memory, knowledge, reflexes and even personality stored in the cortex and subcortex of every human brain, and download it to external media in roughly the same way you'd download a file to a comconsole. It works like this: a tiny chip is implanted in the skull, no bigger than Miles's seizure chip, it scans the brain, and then it transmits the information to an external device that has millions of terabytes of storage. Then, or rather before that, a new brain is grown, just the same as any other organ like a heart, liver, or kidney. You know how that works. Brains aren't grown because they're useless - who needs a new brain without any memory or knowledge? Now, everything will change - just imagine a newborn brain rewritten with everything that was on the old brain! All the other organs can be transplanted first, bones and joints can be replaced with synthetics, skin and hair can be transplanted, and any other cosmetic changes can be done on request depending on the person's solvency. And then, finally, the brain itself can be replaced. There's no danger that something will go wrong due to age, hemorrhage, thrombosis, or the higher than usual risks of the operation. Even in the worst case, you can always try again with another new brain. You could even grow several for insurance. Give all the organs and tissues time to settle down, let the scars heal, and only then download everything onto the new brain with the amazing chip. People will actually be born again, but with their old personalities. Isn't that cool?"

Mark admired Kareen - she was beautiful, her cheeks flushed and her eyes burning with enthusiasm. Her voice enspelled him almost flawlessly, and he wanted to write a credit chit and start funding her ambitious project immediately. But a little worm of doubt was still wriggling in his mind, and he made an effort to listen to its thin little voice.

"Kareen, it sounds like a wonderful story, but I don't understand one part. Didn't this Justin Hurst try to convince the leaders of the medical center he worked at of his brilliant invention? Why would they miss a chance to become galactically famous by turning his idea into reality?"

"Yes, he went to his superiors," Kareen said, slightly confused.

"And they found the idea too fantastic?"

"No, they supported it."

"And then what happened?

"They gave Justin lab space, two technicians to build a prototype, and a biologist to do the experiments. The experiments were supposed to be done on monkeys. But you know how Betans are about experimenting on animals. You have to submit an application, fill out a ridiculous number of forms, prove your experiment will benefit humanity, obtain the approval of the Galactic Animal Welfare League, and so on and so on. It all dragged on for two years, and after overcoming all the bureaucratic obstacles, the hospital received the experimental animals. Not monkeys, unfortunately. The Betan government thought rats would be sufficient."

"Rats?"

"Yeah, rats. They sent ten rats. Instead of twenty monkeys."

"And what happened then?"

"Nothing. The test failed. Justin wasn't able to develop a chip small enough to implant in a rat brain. He was counting on having a human to work on, or at least a monkey. But he still tried. The experiment went like this: rats were placed in one compartment and a meal in another. The door between the two sides was locked shut, so that no matter how hard they tried, the rats couldn't get through it. Then they lit a small light in the cage and unlocked the door. The rats were soon conditioned to rush the door as soon as the light went on. Then they transplanted the cultured brains that were pre-loaded with the data from the old brains, put them back in the cage, and turned the light on."

"The idea was that the rats would run to the door?"

"Exactly. But only one rat did out of ten. The directors of the medical center felt that the results weren't convincing enough to continue with, and the project was shut down."

"And then this poor, unrecognized genius turned to Grandmother Naismith for help? But why her?"

"Well, she was involved from the beginning. Even though she no longer works there, she frequently visits his old laboratory. You have to realize, she's been a strong supporter of Justin's, and when it became clear that further research was not going to be funded, she went to the health officials and tried to convince them."

"And then you turned up?"

"Mark! I haven't turned up yet! I just went there to visit, and Justin was there too, in a bitter and unhappy mood. They told me the whole story, and I thought we could try..."

"How, Kareen? We'd have to experiment on monkeys too... this is not the sort of research that can be done in computer simulation, and we're not on Jackson's Whole, we won't experiment on humans! And where do you think we'd be able to get these monkeys? Escobar's not any better than Beta for this! It's not a question of money, you know."

"I know, we can't get them on Escobar. But we can get them on Barrayar..."

"On Barrayar? Well, maybe we can get monkeys there. The Galactic Animal Welfare League hasn't set up shop yet. But then what? Are you suggesting we illegally import them to Escobar?"

"Well, you were able to smuggle butterbugs off Escobar, so why can't you do the opposite and smuggle monkeys in?" Kareen asked innocently.

"Monkeys aren't bugs! At the very least, they're much larger!"

"But we need less of them. Justin thinks he just needs ten individuals to start."

"Total? Oh, god..."

"Mark, love, you escaped from Jackson's Whole with the entire Durona Group. This isn't nearly that hard. You just need to ship a dozen monkeys to Escobar!"

"Yeah, but if the Escobaran police know that we're conducting illegal experiments on animals, then what? We'll be thrown in jail and expelled from Escobar... not what I dreamed of accomplishing with my life."

"Do you really think any of the Duronas will go to the police? Or that Lilly won't be interested in trying to solve the clone problem, even if there's some unlawfulness involved?"

The mention of the clones decided the case - Mark surrendered. "Well, I'm willing to try. Ask your Justin to come here to Escobar for a meeting."

"Firstly, he's not mine, and secondly, he's already here."

"Here?"

"Well, yes, we came in on the same ship. I paid his ticket. He came directly to the office from the spaceport. I think he's had a long wait in the waiting room."

"You've arranged things as always," Mark groaned.

"Of course, dear," Kareen said, smiling encouragingly.

* * * *

"How many times have I asked you not to involve me in your business affairs?" Miles paced the Yellow Room. His tone was not cordial.

"I'll do everything. You won't be involved. I just need to buy the monkeys and take them to Escobar."

"Monkeys? Why not elephants, while you're at it?"

"Because we can't do our experiments on elephants."

"Pfeh. From the Escobaran standpoint, there's no difference between an elephant and a monkey. Smuggling either means immediate expulsion, confiscation of goods, and an enormous fine. And then a note of protest from the Escobaran ambassador to me, or worse, Gregor. What a great Winterfair gift that'd be!"

"Miles, don't forget, we're talking about taking down Baron Bharaputra's cloning operation," Mark said slyly with a sidelong glance at his brother. "Lilly Durona has gone over Justin Hurst's data very carefully, they've done some computer simulations together, and she thinks the idea is extremely promising. She's ready to put all the Durona Group's resources at our disposal to develop and deploy this."

Miles pulled a chair over and flopped into it. "So Lilly's onboard? I expected more prudence out of her." He grunted reluctantly. "But even assuming there's an element of truth to all this, why for God's sake do you want to jeopardize the entire thing by dragging some unfortunate monkeys to Escobar? Do you think Escobaran border control is that incompetent? And what are you going to do with the poor animals once you're done experimenting on them?"

"Well, if everything goes according to plan, we'll return them to Barrayar unharmed, just with a new brain."

"God, you're even more insane than I thought! Trying to smuggle monkeys through customs twice!"

"Do you have a better suggestion?"

"Yes, of course. Why don't you perform these experiments on Barrayar?"

"Kareen, Lily, Justin and I reviewed the idea and found it unacceptable."

"May I ask why?"

"Barrayar doesn't have the necessary specialists for brain transplants, though we might be able to import some. Critically, though, they also don't have the type of equipment we'd need to grow and transplant the brains here. The Durona Group has all that and more. We'd need laboratory space on Barrayar too - are you willing to sacrifice your laundry again?" Mark smiled sarcastically.

"Leave my laundry alone, or I'll make you wash all my children's clothes by hand!" Mark winced as he imagined this. "I know you know Dr. Weddell," Miles continued. "Surely the research center he works at would be a cozier place to set up than my laundry. Weddell's a geneticist, but there are a number of competent surgeons there. And ordering and installing the necessary equipment will cost you much less than the insane fines the Escobarans will levy."

"I only pay those if I'm caught," Mark said with a grin.

Miles stared balefully at him. A tense pause hung between them as they had an impressive staring contest.

"Well," Mark breathed finally. "I'll explain why my shareholders insist on carrying out these experiments on Escobar rather than Barrayar."

"Shareholders? Are you having cash-flow problems again, brother?"

"No, no. But there are more parties interested in the destruction of Baron Bharaputra than just me. And they're willing to fund the study too. The investment and shares are split up like this: Kareen and I each own 30%, while Lily and Justin own 15% each and Grandmother Naismith owns 10%."

"Well, fine. Could you tell me their reasons, then?"

"Miles." Mark paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "What do you think? If this project is set up anywhere on Barrayar, whether it's an Imperial hospital or a research center, who will get their paws on the research first? ImpSec, right? Do you think ImpSec will miss the implications and the opportunity? The ability to erase and modify people's identities, to "correct" people's minds... like any security agency in the Nexus, they'd sell their soul to the devil for this without hesitation! They're already experts in removing 'extra' memory!"

Miles, remembering his mother's story about what happened to Sergeant Bothari and Elena Visconti after the Escobaran war, involuntarily shuddered.

"Any security bureau, and Barrayar's is no exception, will seize our achievements, classify them, and start using them for espionage and subversion," Mark continued trying to convince his brother. "I shouldn't have to explain that to you!"

Miles sighed. "Yes, ImpSec won't miss that possibility."

"But our goal is different - we want to distribute our research results as widely as possible and make this available to almost everyone, even those who can't afford a brain replacement. We'll try to make it included in standard health insurance packages along with other organ replacement, so that everyone can make periodic personality back-ups. Imagine how many people this could save! Remember that unfortunate Ensign Dubauer - Mother still feels guilty about him, for sure! If his personality data was stored on Beta Colony, curing him would be no harder than curing Kareen's father was! And remember who else could have been saved if we'd had a backup of his personality..." Mark trailed off, breathing heavily. He knew that was below the belt, and hated himself for it, but it was the only killer argument he could think of. And he needed Miles's help desperately.

Miles sat motionless, his hands covering his face. Then he slowly lowered them and looked into Mark's eyes.

"When I was seventeen," he said slowly, "I was able to alter the inside of a spaceship to completely conceal contraband inside it. I hope I haven't lost those old skills." He laughed mirthlessly. "The only problem is that back then our contraband wasn't alive."

"Oh, that isn't a problem." Mark took a deep breath. "We'll put the monkeys in suspended animation and pack them in special containers. They'll be just like inorganic cargo."

"Good," Miles said with approval. "Do you have your eye on a ship already?"