ilanal, "Who's Online?". Vorkosigan fics

"Who's Online?"
Author: ilanal
Rating: humor
Writen for the Winterfair Open Exchange
Summary: Ivan gets an internet girlfriend.
Fanart is here.
Translated from Russian ("Кто там в сети?") by Tel

Winterfair Break 1/1/56 ..
Dear diary:
This morning, waking up after last night's drinking event... I mean the Winterfair Ball, I discovered what I'm missing in my life. I know I've got you, and I really like to write in you. Unfortunately, you only know how to listen, not converse. So, I've opened a Facebook account and dedicated it to all subjects dear to the female soul. I'll write about recipes, cosmetics, clothes, jewelry, and design until my brain starts coming out my ears. And so I'll find her, that unique individual who could become my proper Vor bride and a daughter to my mother. Of course, just like here, I must maintain complete secrecy, since the eyes of Horus are always watching and I still work in Ops... but that doesn't matter.
What happened yesterday, you ask? Same as always, nothing new. Just Vorish dancing... the mirror dance. I was dancing with a girl, and I realized that I knew what she was thinking, that I'd danced with girls like her a thousand times over the past fifteen years. And around me are the same familiar faces. All these people paired off long ago, and "only I unmarried bide", as the ancient poet so beautifully said.
In addition, my mother completely ignored my efforts to avoid the usual Vor girls. When I joked about this to her friend "I", and asked if my mother had given up on getting a baby Vor through me, he suddenly became terribly serious, said it'd make him very happy, and that the thought should be recorded in his organizer so he wouldn't forget it. True, he said, the kid wouldn't be Vor but just "I", but who cares about that these days? I went to the bar, obtained two bottles, and drank in the garden until I had no idea how to get home. After all, doesn't "G" have a whole ImpSec platoon detailed for that very purpose? Then I woke up and joined Facebook.
Until tomorrow, my dear secret friend. I'll report back to you then about my successes in the new field of social networking.
Yours truly,
- Sober Ivan

Winterfair Break 1/2/56 ..
My beloved silent friend, the day went very well. I'm spending my holiday analyzing the important question of "what women want" using the methods they taught me to at the Academy. I want to attract the maximum number of suitable women to my profile in the shortest possible time. I started by asking my mother, some of my former girlfriends, and the "K" sisters. In the afternoon, I put up on my account a collection of recipes by my cousin "M"'s cook, an essay about what mother says the spring fashions will be, vids of an aerobics lesson by the eldest "K", an article about my cousin's wife's gardens, and an album containing pictures of "M"'s kittens. He charged me a fee for the holos: I had to take one of the kittens home.
In the morning, I hope to be surrounded by a crowd of the prettiest girls on Barrayar.
Yours truly,
-Bored Ivan

Winterfair Break 1/3/56 ..
Nothing.
-I.

Winterfair Break 1/4/56 ..
Nothing.
-I.

1/7/56 ..
My vacation's over, still nothing. I was approached by the palace cook, though. But for one, he's a man, and he's also not really interested in me. All he wanted was to find the recipe my cousin's cook uses for spiced peaches. I gave him a link to her website.
Indignantly yours,
-Ivan

1/8/56 ..
I revised my theories and put them into practice. On the advice of some staff colleagues I added a collection of old postcards. One of the administrators gave me a warning. Who knew that my father's collection of erotic postcards from just after the Time of Isolation counted as pornography? I took it down.
On the advice of Countess "VK" (my cousin's mother) I started series of posts titled "Instant Psychoanalysis the Betan Way". I tried to convince readers that first, they shouldn't argue with one another, and that if they do, sex is the best way to make up afterwards. A girl did show up, a twelve-year old looking for a romance movie. I got a second moderator warning and had to delete the post. I've never been called a cradle robber before, just an idiot.
Yours,
-I.

1/12/56 ..
Dear diary, SHE FOUND ME!
I immediately knew that she must be The One. What elegance and style! Intelligence and breeding in every word. She laughs at my jokes, she made icons of my kitten, and she even appreciated my emailed collection of postcards. She said it was a happy day when she came across my profile when wasndering the worldwide web. We agreed that luck had nothing to do with it, it must have been fate.
Elatedly yours,
-I.

1/15/56 ..
My dear silent friend, I'm sorry I've abandoned you, but I don't have any time to spare. I spend every evening talking to her on Skype and exchanging messages online. She has a charming nickname - Treekitty. I swear I've heard it somewhere before... anyway, I had a long discussion with Kitty about who my cousin's been handing his kittens out to. I told her (without naming names of course) that my commander, General Vorlovski, ended up with a ginger kitten, and then tried to trade me for my black one. Kitty had a good laugh about that. Diary, I'm afraid to jinx my happiness, but in my opinion, she's it, the girl who will be my Vor lady. I'll ask her to send me a hologram tomorrow.

1/16/56 ..
Kitty sent me a hologram. She's beautiful. I'm in love. I sent her one of me in return, in civilian clothes for secrecy. She's so cute, she said that I'd look great in a staff uniform, which she considers the most handsome in the whole Imperial Service. In turn, my lady told me about her life. She's a fabulously rich heiress attending business school, and helps teach kindergarten in her spare time. I told her about my work at Headquarters, again leaving out the details. She wants me to hurry up and get promoted to General Vorlovski's job. We joked a lot on the subject, and I told her a few stories about the General. She especially liked the one where Vorlovski made me fetch a report on Tau Ceti when the file was sitting on his desk. She'd thought sensitive documents were kept in a central vault. We talked and laughed for a long time about the stuff that gets left lying around in boxes in the office instead of locked in a safe. In the end, she sent me a holo of pouting lips and the glowing words: "Kitty's bored, let's talk about something else." I mentioned some of the screw-ups during fall maneuvers. She was very upset at my colleagues for blaming them on me.
Yours truly,
-Lucky Ivan

1/22/56 ..
I told my mother and "I" about Kitty, and said I'd soon bring her to meet them. I'm in love and happy. My mother is very happy, and promised to forget about her plan to give me new siblings. Poor "I" is in quite a reduced state. He asked me to repeat everything three times and kept fiddling with his organizer. Of course, his memory's not the same as before. I gave him access to my facebook profile so he could look at my wall conversations and photo albums. He went into the study and spent a long time going over it. He said that Kitty's story made him want to cry and he'd introduce her to a few more friends. "I" must be growing sentimental in his old age. I didn't even know he had friends.
-I.

1/26/56 ..
Dear diary, Kitty's gone! I haven't heard anything from her since yesterday! I haven't slept all night! What should I do?!

1/27/56 ..
Hardly waiting until morning, I ran to "I" for advice. After all, he was head of ImpSec for many years. He listened to me very seriously, but didn't offer any help and just advised me to be patient. He said that Kitty was probably busy with exams and I'd see her again soon enough.
Inconsolably yours,
-I.

1/30/56 ..
It's all over! I've deleted my account. I saw Kitty today, or rather I saw him today. I was summoned to ImpSec by General Allegre, who personally interrogated me as a witness. "I" was there too shaking his head at me. He said he certainly knew I wasn't a genius, but he hadn't agreed with Count Vorkosigan that I was a complete... Diary, I can't even even admit to you what he called me. They showed me into an interrogation cell to see my ... my ... show kitty. He's fifty years old, he's a man, and he has a mustache. He might be even older, since Cetas don't age like us. Kitty kept repeating his name, rank, and serial number and occaisionally mentioned his great good fortune in having the opportunity to die for the Empire. When he got a glimpse of me through the glass, he called me the same thing "I" did, adding that I was such a young blockhead that seducing me for information wasn't even worthwhile, since he'd foolishly gotten caught in the process. And he asked me to say hello to General Vorlovski's kitten.

2/7/56 ..
Dear diary, today I must say goodbye to you. ImpSec has issued an order forbidding all Imperial officers to have blogs, Twitter accounts, or Facebook profiles. Captain "I" personally read me the order four times, asking every other word whether I understood things. He called me a not very bright and extremely lucky young man. It turns out the information I gave Kitty was completely useless and aside from not hurting Barrayar's interests, even helped them. I've been nominated for a bronze star for my success in attracting the attention of, misleading, and neutralizing a hardened spy, who'd spent a decade lurking under Impsec's nose. According to "I", if I hadn't done so, the agent would have remained at large. Kitty was deported in exchange for one of our spies, and sadly, I didn't even have time to say goodbye. He made my life so interesting!
I can't even keep you, my private diary. But the decree said nothing about forums, and I didn't want to ask "I" about them for some reason. I've joined one called "Barrayar-Slash". There are all sorts of women there, one for every imaginable taste. Oddly enough, it's a community discussing sex between men, but Countess Vorkosigan claims that's a healthy sign of female heterosexuality. I recently wrote my first story and cried all the way through. But I still miss Kitty...